The imposter syndrome

I think Imposter Syndrome hit me real hard the other day.

I am sure you have heard about this syndrome, just in case I will tell you what it is: Imposter Syndrome is when you start doubting your professional abilities and feeling like a fraud, and being scared that someone will find out and put you on the spot and feel totally embarrased. You may experience this despite being really good at your job/profession and have been praised and told so before.

Well, to be honest, I think lots of different feelings hit me that day: I was waiting to get some gas for the heater in the studio, so I was very cold and stopped myself from freely working and painting. I had a headache and my period, so basically I wasn’t in the best condition ever.

Despite that, I painted. And came up with ideas. And try to write them down. But I couldn’t focus on my painting. And I couldn’t decide what to paint. And a feeling of frustration was slowly invading me.

I had the idea, the colours, the right brush… but it was just not coming out as I wanted.

Again, maybe these were all the conditions I was under. Or maybe I was just a bit out of practice. Or uninspired.

I can certainly say that my best gift is to paint, to draw. Is the first thing I have had a memory of doing since a child. I know it will sound a bit intense or extra, but if there was a thing I was born to do was to paint.

So, if you are a sensitive person like me, you will understand how I felt. Like the only thing I was supposed to be good at, that I was almost 100% confident I could do, I simply couldn't.

And I went home. I walked all the way. It was raining, obviously, the weather was copying my mood or just sympathy. And I got home. Sat down. I was…sad.

And then I told Mr D how frustrated I was and all of a sudden… I started to cry like a child. Like a baby who just fell on her face on the floor. You know, that pathetic cry.

I told him: I am a fraud! I cannot paint!

And something funny just happened: just hearing my words out loud I laughed. So he did, he smiled at me. I guessed it was a mix between me being honest about how I was feeling and seeing myself having a tantrum like baby Laura used to do.

I felt like a kid, not in a bad way, in a liberating way. Expressing my feelings as they are.

I had a good cry to get the pain away. And after the tears dried and a good long hug, oh I felt so much better.

I just needed to get it out of my chest! I just needed to cry that frustration. To say the words out a laugh to let my insecurities get out of my head and my body.

Now I am writing these words and I am smiling. I am writing this the same day as the big cry.

And I am feeling much better.

And why am I sharing this experience? Because I was the student again. I always tell them: to practice and be patient. So I will practice more, I will be more patient, I will find the technique I feel more comfortable with and I will stop all the pressure and just paint. And improve, and learn.

I am not a fraud. I am a good teacher, I am a good artist.

I want to be a better teacher, a better artist, so I will work towards that, but I won’t bring myself down and I will let myself enjoy the process of becoming a better version of myself.

And oh well, these tears made a fun story! And maybe you can relate, maybe you felt that way before. So now you know you aren’t alone, and you will stand up again, I promise.

Have you ever had a similar situation? Let me know in the comments below and let’s start a conversation :)